The excellent and reliable news source the Daily Mash is warning of a new cold snap about to hit Britain! Batten down the (psychological) hatches, and be prepared to show true grit, we say…

A BITING wind from the haunted, barren plains of Siberia will expose the lies you tell yourself, the Met Office has confirmed.

Forecasters said the unrelenting wind will search deep inside you, burrowing into you and uncovering the shame that corrodes your soul, as temperatures drop to -11, making the UK colder than St Petersburg.

A Met Office spokesman said: “You cannot hide from it. Even if you shelter behind closed doors, you will hear its whisper and it will say ‘I know who you are’.”

According to the Met Office computer model, as the cold air passes over the Ural mountains and sweeps though Eastern Europe it picks up speed and becomes sentient.

The forecasters said the wind will be a passionate, wild-eyed interrogator of the human condition, forcing you to confront one monumental truth after another….